I don't know about you, but I find myself often in need of a change of scenery. I go to the coffee shop to read instead of reading at home, I want to get home to get out of the office, and I want to get to the office because I'm tired of being at home. Every few months I want to change my surroundings--paint a room, change out hanging pictures, rearrange furniture. Ever since I was in elementary school I've been like this. I need a change, and when that urge strikes, I need it right then.
The problem is that this isn't always seen as a positive thing. I mean, rearranging furniture is one thing, but spending the work day rearranging my office might be seen as wasting time. And even if I'm happy with something, I need the freedom to do it a different way from time to time. I need the freedom to work from home or make dinner at a different time or take a different route to the store. I get tired of doing the same ol' thing. And sometimes, this is seen as a need to constantly be changing--to throw the good out with the bad, to flit from one thing to the next, to never focus or be consistent, to be addicted to trying everything once. I see the point.
This need for change is also something that frustrates me from time to time. It's why doing the same Bible devotional or journal for an entire year will always fail and doing a monotonous task over and over will make me super irritable and the thought of setting up a cleaning schedule (clean the bedroom every Monday) rubs me the wrong way. In my highly scheduled life, I like to believe I'm a little spontaneous.
Sometimes I wonder God, why did you make me like this? But I'm reminded that I'm not a robot. And that my openness to change and freshening up and trying new things really can be assets.
Here's to remembering that God created us all to be unique beings--and he did it intentionally. :)
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
What 10 Months of Waiting Can Do
One theme has stood out to me in 2011: waiting. For the first time in my life, God allowed me to experience an extended time of waiting with no clue of what he had in store for me at the end. It was different from waiting a week for something to go on sale or waiting two weeks for the next paycheck. That kind of waiting involves little mystery about the outcome: I will buy the item I waited for and we'll pay the bill when the money is deposited. It is waiting for something we expect. It is simply delayed gratification.
It's much more difficult to wait for long periods of time for an unknown destination or answer to prayer. Instead of delayed gratification and discipline to stay calm and wait the prescribed amount of time, waiting for the unknown requires a heavy dose of trust in God as we push out the doubt that creeps in, force ourselves to wait instead of make our own way, and deal with the hurt, bitterness, and frustration when we've waited longer than we would have liked. We must keep reminding ourselves that God does want what’s good for us and that he will answer our prayers—even if the answers look nothing like we expected.
The theme of waiting seems especially appropriate during Advent as we learn again how to wait on God. In an entirely new way, I am able to understand Sarah (Genesis 16). Usually when I read the story of Sarah (or Sarai) telling her husband Abraham (or Abram) to conceive a child with Hagar, I have felt shocked and amazed. Why would she tell her husband to be with someone else? Why can't she simply wait for God to deliver on his promise? Now, though, I understand how beautiful the idea of making our own way can appear. When we've waited and done all that we feel God is asking us to do, we begin to get tired of waiting. We assume that if he really were going to deliver, he would have done so by now, and we begin to plot how we can make things happen in our own power. Until this year of waiting, I never understood how someone could get to that point. But now I do.
What I've learned in all this waiting, though, is that the blessing comes not only when we reach the destination, but also as we journey—in the work that God does in our lives while we're waiting. As we wait on him, we get a true picture of our hearts and souls. We learn just how little we trust God and how human we truly are. And we learn that God's way isn't a prescription (take this pill, do that dance, and everything you want will come true). Instead, it's a journey—and the best gift is God's presence along the way.
As I approach 2012, I'm more comfortable waiting—at least a little more comfortable. And I'm (even just a little) more trustful of God's timing. Got turned down? Must not be God's will. Plans didn't pan out? Must not be his timing. I'm learning to take a deep breath, put it all in perspective, and choose to trust God as he walks by my side. This is the blessing of waiting.
It's much more difficult to wait for long periods of time for an unknown destination or answer to prayer. Instead of delayed gratification and discipline to stay calm and wait the prescribed amount of time, waiting for the unknown requires a heavy dose of trust in God as we push out the doubt that creeps in, force ourselves to wait instead of make our own way, and deal with the hurt, bitterness, and frustration when we've waited longer than we would have liked. We must keep reminding ourselves that God does want what’s good for us and that he will answer our prayers—even if the answers look nothing like we expected.
The theme of waiting seems especially appropriate during Advent as we learn again how to wait on God. In an entirely new way, I am able to understand Sarah (Genesis 16). Usually when I read the story of Sarah (or Sarai) telling her husband Abraham (or Abram) to conceive a child with Hagar, I have felt shocked and amazed. Why would she tell her husband to be with someone else? Why can't she simply wait for God to deliver on his promise? Now, though, I understand how beautiful the idea of making our own way can appear. When we've waited and done all that we feel God is asking us to do, we begin to get tired of waiting. We assume that if he really were going to deliver, he would have done so by now, and we begin to plot how we can make things happen in our own power. Until this year of waiting, I never understood how someone could get to that point. But now I do.
What I've learned in all this waiting, though, is that the blessing comes not only when we reach the destination, but also as we journey—in the work that God does in our lives while we're waiting. As we wait on him, we get a true picture of our hearts and souls. We learn just how little we trust God and how human we truly are. And we learn that God's way isn't a prescription (take this pill, do that dance, and everything you want will come true). Instead, it's a journey—and the best gift is God's presence along the way.
As I approach 2012, I'm more comfortable waiting—at least a little more comfortable. And I'm (even just a little) more trustful of God's timing. Got turned down? Must not be God's will. Plans didn't pan out? Must not be his timing. I'm learning to take a deep breath, put it all in perspective, and choose to trust God as he walks by my side. This is the blessing of waiting.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Just a Few Moments
Every time I hear that song "Better is One Day in Your Courts" I always think, "Hmm, only one day?" I've always thought that one day just isn't enough. I would want more. I've thought about it in a need-to-have-it kind of way.
Today, though, that song struck me anew. I've been in a bit of a spiritual funk lately. I'm thinking about God, and I'm praying from time-to-time, but I'm just not feeling that closeness that I usually do. And, I realize it's my fault. As I've gotten busier with work and schoolwork and joining a new small group, the first thing to go has been my intentional time with God--journaling, reading, praying, singing. It drifted slowly away, piece by piece, until it was nearly non-existent.
Yesterday, I felt anxious all day. I was making snap judgments in my head, and getting irritated with people a little too quickly. Now, I am pretty tired. I have been a little sleep deprived this week. But, I knew the real cause was something else--my lack of intimate time with God.
So I took some time last night (honestly about 10 or 15 minutes) and I read just one chapter out of 2 Corinthians. I sat and pondered the verses, asking God what his message for me might be. I feel he pointed out to me the verse about being a fragile clay jar holding the amazing light of God--that I am so fragile and capable of nothing on my own, and it is only his light and power within me that allows me to do anything right or well. I felt such relief with that reminder. I am weak, but God, you're not, and you use vessels like me to do your work. Thank you, Lord.
This morning I awoke refreshed and feeling much more myself than I have in a long time. And that song came to mind. "Better is one day in your courts than thousands elsewhere." I get it now. Just a few moments spent in intimacy with God has changed the rest of my week. Just a few moments with God was the best part of my entire day. Just a few moments with God is so amazing and sustaining, that all else pales in comparison. No, strike that; it all but disappears in comparison.
Today, though, that song struck me anew. I've been in a bit of a spiritual funk lately. I'm thinking about God, and I'm praying from time-to-time, but I'm just not feeling that closeness that I usually do. And, I realize it's my fault. As I've gotten busier with work and schoolwork and joining a new small group, the first thing to go has been my intentional time with God--journaling, reading, praying, singing. It drifted slowly away, piece by piece, until it was nearly non-existent.
Yesterday, I felt anxious all day. I was making snap judgments in my head, and getting irritated with people a little too quickly. Now, I am pretty tired. I have been a little sleep deprived this week. But, I knew the real cause was something else--my lack of intimate time with God.
So I took some time last night (honestly about 10 or 15 minutes) and I read just one chapter out of 2 Corinthians. I sat and pondered the verses, asking God what his message for me might be. I feel he pointed out to me the verse about being a fragile clay jar holding the amazing light of God--that I am so fragile and capable of nothing on my own, and it is only his light and power within me that allows me to do anything right or well. I felt such relief with that reminder. I am weak, but God, you're not, and you use vessels like me to do your work. Thank you, Lord.
This morning I awoke refreshed and feeling much more myself than I have in a long time. And that song came to mind. "Better is one day in your courts than thousands elsewhere." I get it now. Just a few moments spent in intimacy with God has changed the rest of my week. Just a few moments with God was the best part of my entire day. Just a few moments with God is so amazing and sustaining, that all else pales in comparison. No, strike that; it all but disappears in comparison.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
When, Lord?
Lately, we have been checking out different churches online and looking specifically at their statements of faith to see which ones might line up well with our beliefs. I have to admit, I am more than a little concerned with how few churches near us allow women to hold the leadership roles. One church’s statement actually included a disclaimer of sorts that said while they are not totally liberal in their stand, there are a lot of churches much more conservative. Is being lukewarm somehow supposed to comfort me? Are they somehow better because they put up all sorts of red tape around women limiting where and when and to whom they can minister and teach, but at least they allow it sometimes? And since when is it liberal to simply include both genders as Jesus (and Scripture) models?
Although we do not have children yet, it breaks my heart to think that I could be raising a daughter (or a son, for that matter) in this world where some people interpret Scripture in a way that diminishes half the human race and says they’re not as important. It’s a stark reminder that Satan still tells lies, and he still has a lot of control here on earth.
Carolyn Custis James, one of my favorite authors, has plenty to challenge us with on this topic. James has not only written several books that tease out these misconceptions, but also started Synergy, an organization that is promoting correct relationships between men and women in the church. How can we be so far off on this topic? And why are so many Christian women content with this unbiblical treatment? When will the church claim the other half of humankind? When will we teach our daughters that they are equals in God’s kingdom? When will we teach our sons their desperate need for their sisters in Christ? When will women be able to fully live out their God-given callings, despite not having the “proper equipment?”
And, really, it’s so much bigger than our area – it’s global. When will girls all over the world be equally prized as people made in God’s image? When will they be treated as whole humans instead of sex toys? When will they be allowed to live instead of being aborted simply because they’re girls? When will they be seen as people instead of possessions?
I feel the burden to affirm and validate women all over the world – to lift them up as deeply loved, fully valued, and equally capable, to proclaim that neither gender should be subordinate to the other, and to draw our attention to this deep evil that still pulses throughout the world.
Although we do not have children yet, it breaks my heart to think that I could be raising a daughter (or a son, for that matter) in this world where some people interpret Scripture in a way that diminishes half the human race and says they’re not as important. It’s a stark reminder that Satan still tells lies, and he still has a lot of control here on earth.
Carolyn Custis James, one of my favorite authors, has plenty to challenge us with on this topic. James has not only written several books that tease out these misconceptions, but also started Synergy, an organization that is promoting correct relationships between men and women in the church. How can we be so far off on this topic? And why are so many Christian women content with this unbiblical treatment? When will the church claim the other half of humankind? When will we teach our daughters that they are equals in God’s kingdom? When will we teach our sons their desperate need for their sisters in Christ? When will women be able to fully live out their God-given callings, despite not having the “proper equipment?”
And, really, it’s so much bigger than our area – it’s global. When will girls all over the world be equally prized as people made in God’s image? When will they be treated as whole humans instead of sex toys? When will they be allowed to live instead of being aborted simply because they’re girls? When will they be seen as people instead of possessions?
I feel the burden to affirm and validate women all over the world – to lift them up as deeply loved, fully valued, and equally capable, to proclaim that neither gender should be subordinate to the other, and to draw our attention to this deep evil that still pulses throughout the world.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Doubting His Timing
It's been nearly a decade since I began following Christ, but if there's one lesson that my head fully knows yet has not made it to my heart, it's that I need to fully trust God's timing. There is no reason that I continue to doubt, besides my human nature, that is. Time after time I have felt frustrated waiting for God's timing, wanting to move ahead, complaining to God that I truly knew best, only to have everything work out so much better than I could have planned myself.
There was the time I was frustrated waiting to hear about where I would attend college, disappointed that my first choice didn't pull through, only to attend EIU where I was part of the most influential ministry of my life thus far. Then there was waiting to see what job I would have after college, feeling like the clock was ticking, wanting to send out resumes, only to find a great job was just waiting for me at my home church.
Most recently I have been waiting, wondering what job God had for me next. I have to admit, I've been more than frustrated. I've gotten angry with God, spent time crying, and devoted time to submitting resume after resume - even if I didn't feel they were a very good fit for me. The frustration only grew as job after job either didn't call me back (the response from 75% of the places I applied for) or sent letters of regret weeks later. It's been nearly 10 months since I first felt the nudge from God to begin moving on, and it was beginning to feel more than helpless. Not only that, my current position was ending fast. Soon enough I would be without a job instead of leaving on my own terms. How could God want that for me?
A shift happened, though, when my husband Jim and I sat down to talk about what might be next for me. I expressed my frustration (which he already knew all about) and the feeling that time was running out. On top of that, we're currently feeling the crunch financially since my job has been paying me less for the last 5 months. In the midst of my near freak out, my husband was calm and stated that God would provide just as He has in the past.
It was his calm response that called me to reaffirm my trust in God's timing. God had told me it was time to move on. It must be time. Even if I didn't know what was coming next. I decided I needed to officially resign from my job. With that decision fresh in my mind, I felt empowered to act, empowered to look once again at job listings without feeling frustrated and desparate.
Lo and behold, on one of the first sites I visited a position caught my eye. An internship posted just two days earlier. Responsibilities including proofing, editing, and writing resources for churches and Christians in general. Better yet, I was already familiar with the company. I already used several of their resources in my ministry and my personal life. Could it be? A position I was not only qualified for, but also passionate about? I applied immediately.
The next day I was a little giddy thinking about the possibility of the position. What would it be like? Who might I meet? What projects might I get to work on? At the same time, I knew better than to get too excited about a job I applied for - I had fallen into that frustrating spot way too many times. This time, though, I felt excited about the possibility of the position, yet was fully content if I didn't get the position because I trusted God's timing.
And that's when it happened. I got an interview. And then the position. And then I started almost immediately. And I love my job. I absolutely love it.
And I had the audacity to question God's timing. Ha!
I officially resigned from my job (which felt wonderful!), but that also means that I am now bringing in no money except what I bring in through my personal business. But I'm trusting in God, knowing that He will provide just as He has time and time again before.
There was the time I was frustrated waiting to hear about where I would attend college, disappointed that my first choice didn't pull through, only to attend EIU where I was part of the most influential ministry of my life thus far. Then there was waiting to see what job I would have after college, feeling like the clock was ticking, wanting to send out resumes, only to find a great job was just waiting for me at my home church.
Most recently I have been waiting, wondering what job God had for me next. I have to admit, I've been more than frustrated. I've gotten angry with God, spent time crying, and devoted time to submitting resume after resume - even if I didn't feel they were a very good fit for me. The frustration only grew as job after job either didn't call me back (the response from 75% of the places I applied for) or sent letters of regret weeks later. It's been nearly 10 months since I first felt the nudge from God to begin moving on, and it was beginning to feel more than helpless. Not only that, my current position was ending fast. Soon enough I would be without a job instead of leaving on my own terms. How could God want that for me?
A shift happened, though, when my husband Jim and I sat down to talk about what might be next for me. I expressed my frustration (which he already knew all about) and the feeling that time was running out. On top of that, we're currently feeling the crunch financially since my job has been paying me less for the last 5 months. In the midst of my near freak out, my husband was calm and stated that God would provide just as He has in the past.
It was his calm response that called me to reaffirm my trust in God's timing. God had told me it was time to move on. It must be time. Even if I didn't know what was coming next. I decided I needed to officially resign from my job. With that decision fresh in my mind, I felt empowered to act, empowered to look once again at job listings without feeling frustrated and desparate.
Lo and behold, on one of the first sites I visited a position caught my eye. An internship posted just two days earlier. Responsibilities including proofing, editing, and writing resources for churches and Christians in general. Better yet, I was already familiar with the company. I already used several of their resources in my ministry and my personal life. Could it be? A position I was not only qualified for, but also passionate about? I applied immediately.
The next day I was a little giddy thinking about the possibility of the position. What would it be like? Who might I meet? What projects might I get to work on? At the same time, I knew better than to get too excited about a job I applied for - I had fallen into that frustrating spot way too many times. This time, though, I felt excited about the possibility of the position, yet was fully content if I didn't get the position because I trusted God's timing.
And that's when it happened. I got an interview. And then the position. And then I started almost immediately. And I love my job. I absolutely love it.
And I had the audacity to question God's timing. Ha!
I officially resigned from my job (which felt wonderful!), but that also means that I am now bringing in no money except what I bring in through my personal business. But I'm trusting in God, knowing that He will provide just as He has time and time again before.
Monday, June 6, 2011
New Patterns
I love summer! I've started this new pattern in the mornings, unless it's raining, of course. After feeding our puppy, I let him into our backyard, take my prayer devotional book (Common Prayer: A Liturgy for Ordinary Radicals), a cup of coffee, and sit down at our patio table. While my puppy occupies himself chasing flies, running around, and even chasing his own tail, I get in some sweet, undisturbed moments of prayer and reflection.
The beauty of this new practice lies in the fact that it fits seamlessly into my existing schedule, and the fact that it allows me to enjoy God's presence while in his creation. Spending time regularly in his presence at the beginning of my day has done so much for my life already. The consistency of the schedule gives me something to look forward to as well prevents me from forgetting. Addtionally, this is shaping up to be a month of some pretty major transitions, and spending this time with him is helping me make sense of it all and sort it out. It has also brought a peace during this time despite the uncertainty and waiting.
During my morning reading time, I recently came across a great verse that has encouraged me to keep on in this new pattern: "For the Kingdom of God is not just a lot of talk; it is living by God's power." - 1 Corinthians 4:20 I know that I am not perfect, and I will forget to spend time with God, but the more time I spend with him, the more I will be able to live by his power and not just be a lot of talk.
The beauty of this new practice lies in the fact that it fits seamlessly into my existing schedule, and the fact that it allows me to enjoy God's presence while in his creation. Spending time regularly in his presence at the beginning of my day has done so much for my life already. The consistency of the schedule gives me something to look forward to as well prevents me from forgetting. Addtionally, this is shaping up to be a month of some pretty major transitions, and spending this time with him is helping me make sense of it all and sort it out. It has also brought a peace during this time despite the uncertainty and waiting.
During my morning reading time, I recently came across a great verse that has encouraged me to keep on in this new pattern: "For the Kingdom of God is not just a lot of talk; it is living by God's power." - 1 Corinthians 4:20 I know that I am not perfect, and I will forget to spend time with God, but the more time I spend with him, the more I will be able to live by his power and not just be a lot of talk.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Holy Week
It's hard to believe that Easter is already this Sunday! I'm not sure if it has been my school work that has kept me busy, or my job search, or just life in general, but 2011 is flying by!
One of the books I had the privilege of reading during this semester is Julian of Norwich's work Revelations of Divine Love. Julian lived in the 14th century and experienced several visions about God and faith while she was deathly ill. She came through that sickness and devoted her life to reflecting on the visions and their meanings. In the end, her main message is that God loves us more deeply and more intimately than we can know, and it is because of this deep love that Jesus was willing to endure all that He did on earth, even willingly dying on the cross for us. Julian even writes that she believes Jesus would do it again if necessary.
This week I've been reflecting on Holy Week and on Julian's writings. If we truly reflect on the events of Holy Week from the Triumphal Entry into Jerusalem, to the betrayal, to Jesus being found guilty, to his beatings and ultimately his death, to the amazing resurrection and joy of Easter, we experience a full range of emotions.
Celebration. Conviction. Sadness. Despair. Hopelessness. Hatred. Despise. Fear. Shock. Disbelief. Joy. Gratitude. Hope.
The story is graphic, terrible, and most certainly not G-rated. But then it makes a 180 and it's more joyful than anything we've ever encountered before. And it's for our joy and for God's joy as we are able to come before him again, and for our salvation - from the effects of sin and from ourselves, that Jesus willingly endured the graphic terror of his last days. All out of his deep love for us.
When we reflect on Easter, many times our minds are focused on the next age, when Jesus returns and his kingdom is fully realized, but I'm encouraged to remember that Jesus endured out of his current love for us, too. Not just for that future hope of being able to spend eternity with him, but for the joy of spending life with him now as well. Jesus has ushered in his kingdom, and we have the opportunity to help make that kingdom a reality by living full lives, filled with the overflowing love that He has for us in the present. We don't need to wait for eternity to begin living in the kingdom with Jesus. As we live the kingdom lives that Jesus died in order to give us, being his hands and feet in the here and now, we can look ahead with hope that one day when He returns, the kingdom we are currently helping to usher in will be fully realized.
Happy Easter! May you be blessed as you reflect on Christ's deep love for you, and may you have the courage and strength to pass that love on to others.
One of the books I had the privilege of reading during this semester is Julian of Norwich's work Revelations of Divine Love. Julian lived in the 14th century and experienced several visions about God and faith while she was deathly ill. She came through that sickness and devoted her life to reflecting on the visions and their meanings. In the end, her main message is that God loves us more deeply and more intimately than we can know, and it is because of this deep love that Jesus was willing to endure all that He did on earth, even willingly dying on the cross for us. Julian even writes that she believes Jesus would do it again if necessary.
This week I've been reflecting on Holy Week and on Julian's writings. If we truly reflect on the events of Holy Week from the Triumphal Entry into Jerusalem, to the betrayal, to Jesus being found guilty, to his beatings and ultimately his death, to the amazing resurrection and joy of Easter, we experience a full range of emotions.
Celebration. Conviction. Sadness. Despair. Hopelessness. Hatred. Despise. Fear. Shock. Disbelief. Joy. Gratitude. Hope.
The story is graphic, terrible, and most certainly not G-rated. But then it makes a 180 and it's more joyful than anything we've ever encountered before. And it's for our joy and for God's joy as we are able to come before him again, and for our salvation - from the effects of sin and from ourselves, that Jesus willingly endured the graphic terror of his last days. All out of his deep love for us.
When we reflect on Easter, many times our minds are focused on the next age, when Jesus returns and his kingdom is fully realized, but I'm encouraged to remember that Jesus endured out of his current love for us, too. Not just for that future hope of being able to spend eternity with him, but for the joy of spending life with him now as well. Jesus has ushered in his kingdom, and we have the opportunity to help make that kingdom a reality by living full lives, filled with the overflowing love that He has for us in the present. We don't need to wait for eternity to begin living in the kingdom with Jesus. As we live the kingdom lives that Jesus died in order to give us, being his hands and feet in the here and now, we can look ahead with hope that one day when He returns, the kingdom we are currently helping to usher in will be fully realized.
Happy Easter! May you be blessed as you reflect on Christ's deep love for you, and may you have the courage and strength to pass that love on to others.
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