What I'd Say to My About-to-Be-Married Self

It's been over five years since my husband and I said "I do." I'll admit we were super young when we got married, but it was the right decision for us. We'd been dating for over five years, and we were ready to begin the rest of our lives together. As I've reflected on our married life, I've realized that we've learned a lot . . . and we're still learning so much. All this reflection got me thinking: what would I tell my night-before-wedding self? Here goes:

1. This marriage thing really will be harder than you expect. I know you've got happy thoughts of sleepovers and decorating and making dinner together—and those are all good things, and they will happen—but I want you to know that you're going to be super irritated about how he squeezes his toothpaste out of the tube . . . and how half of it ends up in the sink. Seriously. Take a deep breath and remember that this is just the beginning. And take a chill pill, too.

2. You are not a homemaker . . . and neither is Jim. And that's okay. You'll pick up tips along the way, and you'll figure it out. In the meantime, have grace with yourself. Some shirts will shrink (thanks for doing the laundry, honey . . .) and some things will go uncleaned for years (hello, office!), but it's not the end of the world. It is what it is. Talk early on about who will do what . . . regardless of what society says men and women should do. Find a system that works for the two of you.

3. You're going to run into tough times. As you grow together, you're going to learn some things about Jim and about yourself that you don't like at all—serious things (not the toothpaste habits from #1). It's okay. Plus, I know you think you're healthy, but you're not. You're quite sickly. You will run into health problems early on. They will be an opportunity to grow—both yourself and as a couple. You'll also hit hardships in career and otherwise. Don't fight the hard times. Heap on extra grace, and trust in God. Remember that God is able to deal with anything and everything. Lean on him for strength, courage, and joy. And pray regularly for Jim to do the same. Learn to cling to one another instead of pushing one another away.

4. Communication really is key. You're used to living separate lives (you have dated long distance for years!!), but suddenly you'll be thrown together . . . all the time. Communicate how you're feeling, communicate what you're doing, and for goodness sake, get a calendar and actually write on it. Set aside regular times for catching up and keeping each other informed.

5. You have to keep the love alive. Yes, even in the so-called newlywed stage. Schedule in real date nights where you talk and share your dreams and feelings. Take advantage of long weekends. Get away and enjoy the car ride to your destination. Learn his love language. Keep trying to make him laugh. Do things together—other than watch TV. Encourage him in his hobbies and in his work. Speak lovingly about him in public. Go out of your way to serve him and show you care.

6. Last but not least, you really are building a new family together, and it's a beautiful thing. Enjoy each moment, don't take a single kiss for granted, share lots of laughs, and don't be afraid to dream big together. And while you can't imagine loving Jim any more than you do right now, believe me: that love will grow and deepen in ways you can't imagine.

Making Some Changes

Well, I finished 7. I spent my Friday afternoon taking a long bike ride, praying through what I've read. I had a multitude of feelings swirling around, and I brought them before God, asking him to give me a clear vision for my next steps, the steps I need to take after reading Jen Hatmaker's powerful words.

I found myself doing something I do far too easily: making excuses. I could only eat 7 foods for a month, but we've got weddings to go to and a trip to Boston . . . how would that work? I could wear only 7 items of clothing for a month, but I have to wear work-appropriate clothes, too . . . maybe I could up that to 14 items? On and on my excuses went. I had to release them to God and welcome the challenge.

So, I've decided to start with a major spending change. From August 4-September 7, we're greatly reducing our spending. In order to do so, we'll only be buying from the Aurora Farmer's Market, Trader Joe's, and Target—in that order. So in other words, we'll try to get everything at the farmer's market and Trader Joe's before stopping at Target. We'll also be trying to reuse and rework what we already have. We've also allowed ourselves to eat out up to four times—but only in special circumstances. Sadly, while this may not seem like much of a challenge, it really will be. No Starbucks? No unlimited stops through the drive-thru? No stopping to get a new, cute shirt from Loft? No ice cream from DQ? Really, this will be a challenge.

At the same time, I'm excited. I'm ready to see what God will do with this month of less. And I'm thrilled to see how my idea of "enough" changes. With a few weeks until this change, we're trying to prepare ourselves, ease ourselves into it, especially by mentally preparing ourselves. And, let's be honest. We both have birthdays this month, a wedding, and a trip to Boston. We knew we'd cheat if we started before August 6. :)

Shaken and Stirred

It's been just under a year since I got the job at Christianity Today. The many lessons God taught me while I was waiting came to a close, and a time of relaxation set in. I've learned that it's far too easy to fall back into comfortable patterns and forget how desperately we need God.

But God has a way of shaking us out of our patterns and stirring up passions in our hearts. That's where I find myself today. God has been using my small group to stretch me, to test if my heart really trusts what I believe in my mind. As we've served alongside the under-resourced, I've found mixed emotions. I've been overjoyed to do what I know God calls his followers to. On the other hand, I feel awkward and clumsy and a little scared. I'm not good at this, I think. I'm messing this all up. I've also found myself much more emotional than usual. The thing is, when I read verses about the oppressed and the poor, I now have real people in my mind. People I know and care about.

All this missional living really is messy. It would be a beautiful thing if our efforts to help others always resulted in their transformation and their choosing to follow Jesus. But that's not how it works. Instead, we're called to obey God--regardless of the outcome.

On top of all this, I've been reading 7 by Jen Hatmaker. It's a great book, written like a collection of blog posts. But it's also really convicting. I find that I need to think about her words, chew on them. Not because they're difficult to understand, but because they're incredibly challenging to middle-class, American Christians like me.

I feel like I'm on the cusp of something big, so I'm giving several hours to God today, to listen for how he wants all these experiences to impact me. What does he want me to do with this information? What changes is he asking me to make?

Sometimes it's painful to be shaken up, to have our hearts stirred. But isn't it beautiful that God continually comes to us, wanting us to know him better, to serve him more, and to experience him more deeply?

What's the last thing that shook you or stirred up passions within you? Did you push it back, or did you allow God to transform you?

Change of Scenery

I don't know about you, but I find myself often in need of a change of scenery. I go to the coffee shop to read instead of reading at home, I want to get home to get out of the office, and I want to get to the office because I'm tired of being at home. Every few months I want to change my surroundings--paint a room, change out hanging pictures, rearrange furniture. Ever since I was in elementary school I've been like this. I need a change, and when that urge strikes, I need it right then.

The problem is that this isn't always seen as a positive thing. I mean, rearranging furniture is one thing, but spending the work day rearranging my office might be seen as wasting time. And even if I'm happy with something, I need the freedom to do it a different way from time to time. I need the freedom to work from home or make dinner at a different time or take a different route to the store. I get tired of doing the same ol' thing. And sometimes, this is seen as a need to constantly be changing--to throw the good out with the bad, to flit from one thing to the next, to never focus or be consistent, to be addicted to trying everything once. I see the point.

This need for change is also something that frustrates me from time to time. It's why doing the same Bible devotional or journal for an entire year will always fail and doing a monotonous task over and over will make me super irritable and the thought of setting up a cleaning schedule (clean the bedroom every Monday) rubs me the wrong way. In my highly scheduled life, I like to believe I'm a little spontaneous.

Sometimes I wonder God, why did you make me like this? But I'm reminded that I'm not a robot. And that my openness to change and freshening up and trying new things really can be assets.

Here's to remembering that God created us all to be unique beings--and he did it intentionally. :)

What 10 Months of Waiting Can Do

One theme has stood out to me in 2011: waiting. For the first time in my life, God allowed me to experience an extended time of waiting with no clue of what he had in store for me at the end. It was different from waiting a week for something to go on sale or waiting two weeks for the next paycheck. That kind of waiting involves little mystery about the outcome: I will buy the item I waited for and we'll pay the bill when the money is deposited. It is waiting for something we expect. It is simply delayed gratification.

It's much more difficult to wait for long periods of time for an unknown destination or answer to prayer. Instead of delayed gratification and discipline to stay calm and wait the prescribed amount of time, waiting for the unknown requires a heavy dose of trust in God as we push out the doubt that creeps in, force ourselves to wait instead of make our own way, and deal with the hurt, bitterness, and frustration when we've waited longer than we would have liked. We must keep reminding ourselves that God does want what’s good for us and that he will answer our prayers—even if the answers look nothing like we expected.

The theme of waiting seems especially appropriate during Advent as we learn again how to wait on God. In an entirely new way, I am able to understand Sarah (Genesis 16). Usually when I read the story of Sarah (or Sarai) telling her husband Abraham (or Abram) to conceive a child with Hagar, I have felt shocked and amazed. Why would she tell her husband to be with someone else? Why can't she simply wait for God to deliver on his promise? Now, though, I understand how beautiful the idea of making our own way can appear. When we've waited and done all that we feel God is asking us to do, we begin to get tired of waiting. We assume that if he really were going to deliver, he would have done so by now, and we begin to plot how we can make things happen in our own power. Until this year of waiting, I never understood how someone could get to that point. But now I do.

What I've learned in all this waiting, though, is that the blessing comes not only when we reach the destination, but also as we journey—in the work that God does in our lives while we're waiting. As we wait on him, we get a true picture of our hearts and souls. We learn just how little we trust God and how human we truly are. And we learn that God's way isn't a prescription (take this pill, do that dance, and everything you want will come true). Instead, it's a journey—and the best gift is God's presence along the way.

As I approach 2012, I'm more comfortable waiting—at least a little more comfortable. And I'm (even just a little) more trustful of God's timing. Got turned down? Must not be God's will. Plans didn't pan out? Must not be his timing. I'm learning to take a deep breath, put it all in perspective, and choose to trust God as he walks by my side. This is the blessing of waiting.

Just a Few Moments

Every time I hear that song "Better is One Day in Your Courts" I always think, "Hmm, only one day?" I've always thought that one day just isn't enough. I would want more. I've thought about it in a need-to-have-it kind of way.

Today, though, that song struck me anew. I've been in a bit of a spiritual funk lately. I'm thinking about God, and I'm praying from time-to-time, but I'm just not feeling that closeness that I usually do. And, I realize it's my fault. As I've gotten busier with work and schoolwork and joining a new small group, the first thing to go has been my intentional time with God--journaling, reading, praying, singing. It drifted slowly away, piece by piece, until it was nearly non-existent.

Yesterday, I felt anxious all day. I was making snap judgments in my head, and getting irritated with people a little too quickly. Now, I am pretty tired. I have been a little sleep deprived this week. But, I knew the real cause was something else--my lack of intimate time with God.

So I took some time last night (honestly about 10 or 15 minutes) and I read just one chapter out of 2 Corinthians. I sat and pondered the verses, asking God what his message for me might be. I feel he pointed out to me the verse about being a fragile clay jar holding the amazing light of God--that I am so fragile and capable of nothing on my own, and it is only his light and power within me that allows me to do anything right or well. I felt such relief with that reminder. I am weak, but God, you're not, and you use vessels like me to do your work. Thank you, Lord.

This morning I awoke refreshed and feeling much more myself than I have in a long time. And that song came to mind. "Better is one day in your courts than thousands elsewhere." I get it now. Just a few moments spent in intimacy with God has changed the rest of my week. Just a few moments with God was the best part of my entire day. Just a few moments with God is so amazing and sustaining, that all else pales in comparison. No, strike that; it all but disappears in comparison.

When, Lord?

Lately, we have been checking out different churches online and looking specifically at their statements of faith to see which ones might line up well with our beliefs. I have to admit, I am more than a little concerned with how few churches near us allow women to hold the leadership roles. One church’s statement actually included a disclaimer of sorts that said while they are not totally liberal in their stand, there are a lot of churches much more conservative. Is being lukewarm somehow supposed to comfort me? Are they somehow better because they put up all sorts of red tape around women limiting where and when and to whom they can minister and teach, but at least they allow it sometimes? And since when is it liberal to simply include both genders as Jesus (and Scripture) models?

Although we do not have children yet, it breaks my heart to think that I could be raising a daughter (or a son, for that matter) in this world where some people interpret Scripture in a way that diminishes half the human race and says they’re not as important. It’s a stark reminder that Satan still tells lies, and he still has a lot of control here on earth.

Carolyn Custis James, one of my favorite authors, has plenty to challenge us with on this topic. James has not only written several books that tease out these misconceptions, but also started Synergy, an organization that is promoting correct relationships between men and women in the church. How can we be so far off on this topic? And why are so many Christian women content with this unbiblical treatment? When will the church claim the other half of humankind? When will we teach our daughters that they are equals in God’s kingdom? When will we teach our sons their desperate need for their sisters in Christ? When will women be able to fully live out their God-given callings, despite not having the “proper equipment?”

And, really, it’s so much bigger than our area – it’s global. When will girls all over the world be equally prized as people made in God’s image? When will they be treated as whole humans instead of sex toys? When will they be allowed to live instead of being aborted simply because they’re girls? When will they be seen as people instead of possessions?

I feel the burden to affirm and validate women all over the world – to lift them up as deeply loved, fully valued, and equally capable, to proclaim that neither gender should be subordinate to the other, and to draw our attention to this deep evil that still pulses throughout the world.